5 Satirical Marketing Resolutions for 2014

As we enter 2014 with full hearts and clear eyes, we're all met with the same burning question that's been nagging at marketers and business owners for years; when will this whole "internet" fad pass? 

Like Hush Puppies and parachute pants (sorry MC Hammer), this has gone on long enough.

The fact is, we all know this internet thing is dying, so the question is, will you be ready?

Lucky for you we've made sure of it with this rock solid list of marketing resolutions to keep in 2014. 

Satirical Marketing Resolutions for 2014

1. More Direct Mail

Let's be honest, the only thing more awesome than irrelevant fliers beneath your windshield wipers is more paper in your mailbox. 

I mean come on, it's 2014 people! 

Think about it, the mailman comes every day! Every. Single. Day. 

Death, taxes, and the freakin' mailman! These are the only certainties in life, friend. So while your prospects are trekking to the mailbox for their newspapers and bills, you better believe they're looking for brand stationary to put on the 'fridge. Where else would they be looking...the internet? Pfft. 

2. Forget Mobile!

I mean...how many of your friends and family actually have smartphones? Come on...touch screens? Apps? That's so 2000 and late. 

If you really want to get found by your prospects...you need to allocate more budget toward print advertising in 2014.

I'm so tired of hearing about convenience in regards to mobile. I mean come on...newspapers and Yellow Pages are tossed in your driveway! How much more convenient can you get?

3. Buy Contact Lists

Stop waiting six months – or longer! – to grow your contact database...just buy them! 

I mean...hello! Work smarter...not harder, folks. Think of all the things you can do in six months with the time you'd be saving. You can grow a sweet handlebar mustache. Knit an afghan that would make even your great grandmother blush. You could even register two vehicles at your local Department of Motor Vehicles. 

The choice is simple. 

4. Start Cold Calling

It sickens me at how much time marketers spend trying to figure out where their audience is "hanging out." Then to add insult to injury, they waste even more time blogging in order to appeal to them in these forums. 

Spoiler alert, I know exactly where your audience is hanging out every night around 6 o'clock...the dinner table! Just give them a call!

5. Billboards!

People are simply focused on the wrong type of traffic. 

There's no better time to catch a prospect in a buying mood than when they're driving.

I mean think about it, they bought the car, they probably just bought a coffee, and now in between sips you can bet they're contemplating their next insurance agency or personal finance options. All of a sudden, BOOM!, there's your billboard.

It's almost like taking candy from a baby.  

Here's to 2014

I can almost hear the sighs of relief from the many marketers I've spared with this list. Worry not, 2014 is going to be a great year. 

So hold the applause, silence the noisemakers and kazoos, it's time to get to work.

(Nailed it.)